Wiggle Room

Forgotten Posts

2009-04-17T21:52:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine told me she was starting a blog. I was very excited for her and then I realized I had a blog but I had forgotten to post for months...again.

But fear not! I am still doing crafts. In fact for Easter I went out and purchased a tub of Crayola air drying clay. With all the flare of a drunk person I created two miserably cute clay bunnies. They're kind of like vague bunny lumps but when I painted them they got a bit of personality an I was immensely cheered.

Also I was enamored of a picture of a bunny pillow in a landscaper's magazine. I've yet to attempt another sewing project but when I do, bunny pillow is on the top of the list. Mostly I've been painting odd 60's style partridge family birds. No clue why the obsession but the paintings are vibrant and fun.

On other fronts, I am working on a smaller, pocket book size of My Big Fat Friend, so it will become more affordable in our very depressing economy. I really want to get back to pushing the book. Honestly everyone has read it thinks it's hilarious but I am a marketing moron and really, truly need an agent for my other projects.

What else? I'm still very involved over at Helium.com, writing and rating. My website is about to undergo and overhaul. A lot of the sites I created have since been redesigned. So my porfolio is worn to the woof and needs some refreshing.

So what have you been doing?

Proofreading your own work...& Crafty Christmas

2008-10-22T21:28:00.002-05:00

So in December I'm going to be doing the book signing in Millville...And my best friend informed me I have a million mistakes in the manuscript. What have I learned from this? Don't proofread your own work. Because we are all inherently too egotistical to see our own mistakes. So what did I do immediately after hearing that there were mistakes? Yep, I proofread my own work again. I cannot learn...or spell.

The mistake quotient has gone down by a zillion. It's a much more polished work now. I encourage you to buy an advanced copy of my book and bring it with you to the signing. I can only afford a few copies of my own work. Ta!

On the crafting side of things: I informed my friends that it was going to be a super crafty Christmas this year. We're all making each other presents because I am broke. I'm using everything I have left in the tower of crafts. ---my huge metal rack full of yarn and paints and what-nots. I'm pretty excited. I can make some fab presents...if you like scarves. Ha!

I am still hardcore loving needle punch. I even broke my first needle and had to go on out and purchase a 2nd one. I should have gotten a back up. I also got caught crafting on the sofa which the man of the house hates. He fears me and scissors near his brocade couch. His fault, he bought a giant TV. No way can I resist crafting in front of that bad boy.

When my fall pillows are complete I will post them here. Also, in case I forget to blog:

Happy Halloween!

I'm Jack O'Neill from Stargate this year. I got my patches and my brother's old military garb. I already wore it once...But I've got a 2nd party this weekend. I will see if any of my pictures are nice enough for posting later.

Until then, happy crafting, happy Halloween and happy living...I am lame.

Cheers.

Book Signing in December!

2008-10-19T17:12:00.000-05:00

That's right, you heard me! I will be in Smithville New Jersey from 12pm-2pm reading from my book and signing copies. I may have other goodies to give out depending on my cash flow. lol. So come see me:

Saturday Dec 6th 12pm - 2pm
Sherlock's Books & Cafe
Smithville Town Center
45 S New York Road
Galloway, NJ 08205

More news as it becomes available! Woo!

Needle Punch & My Big Fat Friend Promotion

2008-09-21T04:27:00.003-05:00

How the heck am I supposed to promote my book? I want to buy a distribution package but I'm low on cash. So here I am on my blog to tell you the book came out kick ass! It's Trade size and the cover is glossy which makes it very pretty. I write terrible press releases but I got a wonderful review on it at my lulu store.

Okay enough about my book...which is also available for download and involves a shot contest...and on to the needle punch! I am really getting into needle punch. It's relaxing to stab the fabric repeatedly. Hm, that could indicate some issues down the line, couldn't it? Anyway, I bought a huge pack of floss and started working on my own patterns. I'm hooked on crow and pumpkin themes. I guess when the weather cools off I automatically start thinking Halloween. The only problem with making your own patterns, is color choice is all on you. Sometimes I have to pull rows out because the color is just too drab.

Good thing is that you can needle punch on anything you can get that stabb-y needle through! Stab stab stab! Oh, if you do use a pattern--from which you can choose the oh-so-originals-a cat, flowers or the sun--it's easy and a lot like doing a Paint-By-Number without the horrifically hard containers to open. Did you mean to open green and spill blue all over your pants? Yeah me too. Floss doesn't spill. Score. I bet if you can't draw you could just pick a picture you like and trace it...Just pick a small picture because it takes a while to fill big blocks of color.

Last Tuesday I was in AC Moore and I knew it was Fall because the whole place smelled like those Pumpkin Sachetts. I of course bought one and now am constantly craving pumpkin pie. Like now...at 5:32am. I wish I had some canned pumpkin and a can of condensed milk right now...Anyway--keep on track Karen--Yarn was on sale 2/$1! I went nuts and bought $10 woth and if they would have took trade ins I would have traded my soul for four more balls!

I have so many balls of yarn and am so incapable of making things more complicated then a scarf or blanket. But I do so enjoy it! I have just tons of yarn and promised myself I would nolonger purchase any until I used the gobs of it I have at home. That promise was horrifically shattered by the 2/$1 sale sign. I'm a sucker for a bargain. But now... what the heck am I going to do with all this yarn?

Please God, send me simple patterns for things other then scarves!!! Speaking of scarves, I once knitted the 17' long scarf from Doctor Who. I think that was the greatest accomplishment of my knitting life. Ha!

Okay, the pasta is doing it's thing and making me sleepy finally. So do me a big favor and send me a knitting pattern...or buy my book. I only need to sell 16 more copies to pay for a distribution package. Either way, enjoy your morning. I'm going to bed.

My Big Fat Friend is Up for Sale!

2008-09-08T17:20:00.004-05:00

Hey finally after years of revising and revising my chick lit/romantic comedy My Big Fat Friend is finally ready for public viewing! I've already sold 3 copies in two days and I am extremely excited about it! Can't you tell? Here's the painting I did for the cover:

It got one great review... Hopefully more to follow. So go check it out! It's about getting your heart broken, getting drunk, liking the wrong guy and a fuzzy pink book of rules for transforming regular girls into Hot Girls. Plus is has a cute guinea pig too.

Craft Day - Love those Boo-Boo Bunnies!

2008-05-14T10:43:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I'm probably going to do a craft show to support my crafting habit. So obviously I'm going to be doing a lot of paintings and original sculpy sculptures and what-nots....But I'm also going to do a crowd favorite: Boo-Boo Bunnies! My mom and I used to make them when we did church bazaars and local craft shows and they're always a big hit. Instructions are all over the internet on how to make them. So if you don't like my instructions there are a zillion other sites for you to check out.

One of the quickest and easiest crafts for a beginner to learn is how to make a Boo-Boo Bunny. A boo-boo bunny has a little ring where you can stick an ice cube for scrapes and bruises and is great for distracting a crying baby.

Supply List:
-1 wash cloth (any color)
-1 large white pompom (for the tail)
-1 small pink pompom (for the nose)
-2 buttons, beads or jiggly eyes (for the eyes)
-1 rubber band
-Hot glue gun & glue

Optional:
-A ribbon can be wrapped around the bunny's body to hide the rubber band.

Crafter Level: Beginner
Time: 20 minutes

Take the cloth and lay it out so one of the corners is facing you. Now tightly roll that corner towards the opposite corner of the cloth, forming a long roll. Fold the roll in half. When it's in half you want to put the side with the least amount of rolls showing. Depending on the size of the cloth you might have no problems but a larger cloth you might see rolls so fold the cloth in half and whichever looks like a whole complete tube side faces up. You've just created the body.

Now, you're going to fold again to create the face and ears. Get your rubber band ready. You want to fold the role in half a second time. Loop the rubber band around the fold, pinching it off into what now looks like the head. Wrap the band tight. Then tug up on the loose ends to create the ears.

Make sure you cover whatever surface you're working on with a garbage bag or an old tablecloth so the glue doesn't damage your table. Since the bunny only takes a few minutes to create, you might want to have already laid out your supplies and plugged in your hot glue gun. If not, you would do it at this point and give the gun a few minutes to heat up. You'll know it's ready when you see a bit of glue dripping out of the gun point.

Do the tail first. Put a dab of glue about the size of a dime on the back of the pompom and place it on the bunny's back end. I like to put it a little above center, it just looks great that way. Put some pressure on the tail for about 10 secs, hot glue sets up fast. When done, turn the bunny around to the face and glue the pink pompom onto the center of the face.

Be careful when gluing on the eyes! Since they're smaller than the other pieces there is a greater chance of you burning your fingers. If you know you're going to get glue on yourself, you might want to invest in a low temperature glue gun, switch to a tacky glue or maybe just use a toothpick to smear the glue onto the back of the eyes. Press the eyes on above the nose.

If you're adding a ribbon, be sure it's larger than the rubber band so you're gluing it to the fabric and not the band, since the heat could melt the rubber and your bunny would fall apart. If you're giving it as a gift you can always put a blue ribbon for a boy or a pink ribbon for a girl or just a simple white ribbon. Doesn't matter, the bunnies are adorable either way!

And you're done! In a few minutes all the glue will be dry and your bunny is ready to go. They're so quick and easy you might want to create an army of bunnies!

Gouache Crazy!

2008-04-24T09:20:00.007-05:00

I am terrible at watercolor. I took lessons and um...it wasn't good. But what I am becoming good at is Gouache! Gouache is like a medium somewhere between watercolor and acrylic. It's a water based paint and can be thinned and layered on like water color but it's much more opague which makes it easier for watercolor challenged people like myself to paint something interesting. Above is the painting I did last night called 'Friends.' Hm, there seems to be something slightly sinister about the look in that cat's eyes...

Anyway, I was in the mood to paint. I may paint the Flower Monster Later -ahem, received one rejection and one postcard saying they received the mass...nothing else so far.- I think he would be a fun subject. My Etsy shop hasn't made a single sale thus far so I may have to re-examine the photos and prices later on but now? Happier things!

This painting really got me going on the Gouache. I liked how cute the subject was and how bright the colors are. The original is much brighter then my feeble attempt at photography. Also I liked the subject matter--simple and almost psychedelic in a harmless drug free way. I think I drank diet coke during its creation and maybe some milk...

It inspired me to do another painting called, 'Love or Lunch?' Which features two parrots with different thoughts in their little heads.

I'd love to get a bunch of paintings done and put them on the wall in a coffee shop. I'm in Ocean City, NJ....gotta be coffee shops opening up soon, since it's almost May.

The writing went on the back burner for the last few days. I have a habit of being extremely prolific in one or the other, not both. Apparently it's painting season which kind of throws off my time table for my books in progress.

On happy note two, I sold a copy of my book: Dead Cat Talking and was gratified to find out that the purchaser was freaked out by the stories in broad daylight! Ha! I new I was scary but that is just awesome. The book is 70 pages long, wire-O bound and tiny which makes it a perfect book to stash in your purse, laptop bag or even back pocket.

If you're an Ozmia fan, there's a new design for this year. You can see that on the Ozmia Shop. What else? Oh, I'm reading a book called 'A Pig Tale' so look for a review on Liter Alley in the near future.

Wait, one more happy note: I was recently asked to do covers for the Doctor Who Project. I created two covers and received high praise. If you haven't heard of them, the DWP created a continuing season for Doctor Who after the 1988 season ended on the BBC. They have won numerous awards and are really a great place to read fantastic science fiction based on one of the best lived characters in sci-fi, the mysterious Doctor. I'm in season 35. My covers are for Aurum In Plumbum and Nine Days.

I may eventually write for them if I ever remember to get back to fellow author and best friend Samantha Warner. She's very involved with the DWP. This is what those awesome people had to say about me:

Our newest artist comes to us courtesy Samantha Warner. We're always on the lookout for new artists to join the TDWP team and Samantha recommended Karen Kalbacher to us. Karen sent us a few samples of her work and we were very impressed with what we saw so we invited her to work with us. We're glad to have Karen on board and she created covers for our two historical stories "Aurum In Plumbum" and "Nine Days".

Best review I've had in years, thanks guys!

Making a Stamp!

2008-04-14T20:18:00.006-05:00

I see a lot of people doing block prints so I decided to try it out. I went to the craft store and they had an expensive kit. I was holding it, thinking about it but next to it was just the block of rubber you carve. As usual I saw the $4 block as a cheap short cut and took it.

Anyway, I know nothing about stamp making. But this is how it came out:

Not bad for someone who's never done it before. I think it looks pretty great. I'm already working on a new design. Mind you, this is how it was supposed to look:

And I'm not dumb. I did reverse the image to try and get it on the block. But I screwed up in the tracing and was apparently too tired to notice that amazingly obvious blunder. lol. It was fun though so if you want to make one too, this is what I did:

1. Go to Michael's or AC Moore and get a stamp block. I think they're with the Scrapbooking stuff...or the Speedball stuff. Either section should be good for finding one. They come in eraser pink or an anemic yellow. (Ahem, I also heard a rumor you could make a small test one using a pencil eraser...the pink or the white ones were recommended.)

2. I drew an image on the computer. (You might want to skip that and just draw directly on the eraser. Just make sure you don't use a pen as it will most likely cut into the eraser.) I flipped the image and printed it. Now here's where I screwed up--I flipped it to iron it onto the eraser because I heard you could do that...eh, it didn't work at all. So I used a Sharpie on the back of it to trace and ended up reversing my reversed image...Le Sigh. (Don't so that. It's dumb and your letters end up backwards.)

3. I carved out the block using some cheap wood carving tools that I bought a year ago for another half-assed project. (I'm betting you could use an exacto if you have one or a steak knife if your significant doesn't see you doing it. Mine gets mad when I craft with the cutlery --Spoilsport.) The carving was fun but I made a huge mess. Please remember to put down a plastic bag for easy clean up.

4. I used a screen printing textile ink. You could just as easily use any kind of water soluble ink or paint. I had blue, yello and red so I chose blue. I didn't have a roller thing--again I am poor so I like to MacGyver everything. Makes me feel fancy and special--so I used a craft sponge thingee. You know the sponge on a stick thing we all have laying around.

5. Plop it down on the paper. I pushed and wiggled it a little like a real stamp. And bam! Stamped. I laughed when I saw it.

All in all it was a great project. It took me about an hour to carve the block. Clean up was a snap. I just dumped the trimmings into the trash. Rinsed the stamp and wandered off to look at shiny objects. So there you go. Now feel free to hit me back with pictures of your own stamps.

Shameless Plug: Buy my book: Dead Cat Talking and Other Tales over at my cafepress shop. If you do I'll donate a dollar to a guinea pig rescue. My guinea pig Eddie has a very painful infection in his front feet that we're treating and it is expensive! Poor homeless piggies need angels to help them heal because they don't have suckers like my and my significant to do it for them.

Dead Cat Talking & Other Tales

2008-04-03T10:56:00.006-05:00

Finally released a collection of my short stories on Cafepress. It's called Dead Cat Talking & Other Tales. I created the cover art myself. The stories were chosen from a group I had found when looking for something else on the computer - go figure, right? All the stories were given a fresh coat of editing and then bundled together into this short anthology. It's only about 40 pages and contains six stories. The first is a flash fiction that was published twice, first in The Eternal Night Chronicles (Issue 14) and again at the magazine for Silencespeaks.com. I thought the reprint would be a great opener.

Here's an excerpt from the book's title story:

Who is Mr. Collins? The cat whispered, her tiny voice shaking in his mind.

“Who is… my boss. Damn it, you know that.” Knife tip flitted around, swirling and focusing on the cat. “Yeah, he was my boss. Is! Is my boss. He’s alive. Alive. Can’t be, can’t be alive. I saw him. He was dead.”

I know a secret. He’s not your...

Blue light roamed the corners of the blade, distracting him from the cat’s secret. Arnold saw himself in it. His suit was old, faded and patched in the ass. No one had noticed the patch of navy over the charcoal cloth. Fussy about his curly hair, Arnold rubbed at it unconsciously. He was next to see the body. Next to see it. The modest line of mourners swam up to the giant dead whale and placed flowers near its watery family. Arnold paddled, unwilling to see the conclusion. The mass had been long, lacking poignancy and believable mourners. Even the priest was indifferent. It touched Arnold’s heart for less than a second. He was bored and Mr. Collins was dead. Neither one having a good day…

“No. I…” Arnold scrubbed at his temples, willing the memories to stay stuck inside.

Killer. The cat hissed.

Pushing into his head with the knuckles, Arnold shuddered. Images tumbled over themselves forcing him to relive it. Ten years of hard labor… Arnold saw himself in the calico’s eyes. Greasy red juices ran down his face, outlining mad green eyes. He watched himself dialing 911. It was going to be an accident. How he had no idea…he’s jammed the knife in again and again carving him like a roast pig on a spit. Arnold threw up next to the cat.

Murderer. She hissed.

I think it's a good collection of mayhem. It's full of murder and crazy people. Besides if you buy a copy I'll donate $1 of the sale to the Have-A-Heart Guinea Pig Rescue. They're a great cause because they help out the animals that get forgotten like guinea pigs, rabbits, and hamster.

Oh, and if you do read it, be sure and drop me a line. I'd love to know what you thought of it.
My piggies!~Digger in white & tan, Socrates in Brown & white. This is when they took their first bath in the big brown tub at out new apartment. Aren't they adorable? Don't you want to adopt one of your own?

Happenings & Procrastination

2008-03-31T22:46:00.004-05:00

Hi!

So my children's book has made it into the hands of one publisher. I recieved the SASP back so now I know they at least have opened the envelope. I've sent it to a total of three publishers so far. I've got five more lined up for investigation. I'm antsy though and impatient and I want to published the book now on Lulu.com or Cafepress.com but then who would see it? How To books seem to sell better in the POD than fiction from what I've seen. But if I get rejected by everyone that's the path I'm going down. My writing doesn't seem to go over well with companies...lol. Does that mean I'm a terrible writer?? Let's hope not.

In other news I made Bee pins for my Etsy Shop.

I love the sparkly bling! I'm really getting into the Sculpey projects. I have Flower Monster Pins too but no pictures to share yet. Sorry. Next time, I promise. Today I went to my favorite craft store AC Moore and got some new supplies for even more Flower Monster items. My Etsy shop is going to be a million items very soon.

I actually spent some time gussying up my Cafe Press Shop too. New items, new images and all of them pretty. Even www.karenkalbacher.com got a new portfolio added. I keep telling myself I'm going to update everything weekly but I am the queen of procrastination. I am supposed to be:

1. Writing a short story--currently that's what I got on the computer to do.
2. Finishing the rewrite of my latest novel
3. Cleaning out my car--I've been doing that once since last March, ha!
4. Recopying some of my old stories--for some reason I used to type in all CAPS.
5. Going to Europe--ha I'm broke.
6. Marrying a very wealthy septuagenarian with a nasty cough.
7. Taking over the world.
8. Retired and Living in Brazil.

Okay, no more 'supposed to bes,' I'm going to go back to writing my short story. Have a good night everybody.

My Flower Monster Book is Done!---Now What??

2008-03-17T09:23:00.005-05:00

Since I gave up procrastination for Lent, I just powered through the thirteen illustrations needed to complete my children's book. Day before yesterday I hardcore borrowed black ink from my dad by using his fancy all in one printer to photocopy the 'mock-up' of my book. I even added one color page each to give an idea of what the colors would be like.

Here is a tantalizing sneak peak of the wonder that is my latest attempt to become a famous author:

Hee! It's so cute! Um, anyway, next step is sending them out to the big bad publishers...Not that they're either big, or bad but it's how I feel. I'm all nervous to send something I'm in love with out to someone who is seeing it for the first time. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback from people who have seen the completed project so I should just stop sweating it and send it out. The only thing to fear is...rejections slips! Or the never hearing from them again...Bum bum bum.

Also I have some new Flower Monster dolls in the works. Their faces are sewn on and I finally-I had to go to three stores-got some decent purple felt for their heads. Expect to see an expose on how I made them later on in the week.

In personal news, I have no idea what size my bike is and now will have to break down and go outside to the storage area and measure the tires. It's a 1984 Huffy in red 'n' tan. It formally had a basket, bell and those floofy things that stick out of the handle bars. All have since vanished mysteriously. I decided I needed to start riding again to keep my weight just the way it is, although perhaps a little tighter around the thighs and realized I needed new tires. Yes, that's right, I am going to ride a bike designed for a seven year old from the mid-80s. Jealous yet? No? Well it has a banana seat! I know, right? Awesome.

Okay, more on the Flower Monster Book as I bite the bullet and write letters of introduction and *gasp* mail out the manuscripts. Plus FM Dolls! And if you're good at making product shots, please God, email me tips. Me+Digital Camera=Not Even Close to Awesome Pictures.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

This is as Close as it Gets to Friday, Folks.

2008-03-02T21:31:00.003-05:00

Yeah okay, it’s Sunday and I said I would post a blog every Friday…Um sue me. When I update with less then a month in-between it is a good time to be had by all! So the illustrations for the Flower Monster Project are well on their way to completion. I have 4 illustrations left to do based on the original outline. I maybe adding one or two because I think my current count might end me up at 13. Not that I’m superstitious or anything but you never know when some bored fundamentalist person with triskaidekaphobia is hanging around counting the pages of children’s book on their search for fear. Yeah I said triskaidekaphobia. Look it up on Wikapedia or better yet, work it out from the context…lol. (Psst, I love Wicapedi.)

The pins are up on my Etsy shop. I’m damn proud of them. I wish people could see how they glisten in real life. Unfortunately I am still incredibly crappy at taking fabulous product shots. Also in the good news category, I took my illustrations thus far to my parents and got rave reviews from my mom and her friend Tony. So I’m tempted to put an illustration up here soon and see what’s the what with people who don’t already like me…and/or are related.

See you later in the week as I again attempt to post a blog on time.

oh and I love the internet because when I put in 'triskaidekaphobia' this nifty graphic came up:

(But that means I lied when I said there would be no pictures this week! Argh!~Pretend I didn't say that and just slowly walk away from the blog...see you next Friday...or as close to Friday as I can get...)

Flower Monsters in the works!

2008-02-22T18:54:00.012-05:00

So, hi. I’m going to start blogging once a week, I swear! From now on every Friday I will deliver a scintillating new blog…well, how about just a new blog? That should do for now, right?

I moved to Ocean City in January and now I’m trying to keep busy while I job hunt. On a whim I got out my new mini sewing machine and created a little blue fabric monster. After stuffing him and putting his face on, I decided to use my flower maker to put a yarn flower on his head and the dream was born! I created the very first Flower Monster!

Chris-my boyfriend-liked it so much he demanded a story to go with it. Well I wrote the story and am now doing one illustration a day for it, but I also opened an Etsy.com shop to sell my stuffed and now clay flower monsters. So that’s what I’ve been up to; flower monsters. Anyway, let’s have a little crafting fun and I can show you how I made the Flower Monster Minis:

Step 1: Cutting them out.

I made a tiny stencil of the Flower Monster based on the drawing you see up there. I rolled out Light Blue Pearl Sculpy on wax paper. Using a steak knife, I cut away the excess clay.

Step 2: Lay them on a retired Cookie Sheet.

I cut out a whole bunch and laid them out on a cookie sheet I don't use anymore. Don't want to poison just anyone with your fun chemicals...careful planning for poisonings.

Step 3: Make their flowers!

Flowers start out as circles. I had to make my own purple out of the red and lavender clays so it's kind of mottled and each Flower Monster has a color variation on the petals. I like that. It makes them even more unique and adds to the homemade feel. After the circles are cut out using the top of a hair product bottle, I cut six petals with a pair of scissors. Then I mold each petal until I get a shape I like. Plus you need to smush it a little to make sure it doesn't fall of the FM's head.

Step 4: Add the faces!

You can see in the flower picture that I've already started adding the faces to them. I take a yellow headed pin for sewing and use it to push the eyes and noses into the clay. Then I draw a smiley face and some 'v's for fur. Plus I add yellow centers to the flowers and poke them full of holes much like sunflowers. After that I use black for the eyes and a pearl dark blue for noses. They really come alive at that point. All smiley and happy...

Step 5: Bake them in the oven!
Contrary to popular belief, the Flower Monsters like this part. For them it's like going to the spa. An extremely hot spa...

Step 6: Glazed and Ready
After Cooling and glazing they're all ready to party!

And that's it. That's my blog. If you'd like a Flower Monster of your very own, go check them out on my Etsy shop. Or email me at the usual place. I will be the crazy lady making the patented call of the Flower Monster 'Rrrrwwwwooooowwwwwww!!!!'

Only a few days left till Halloween!

2007-10-21T11:49:00.000-05:00

It's almost time for my party! I'm pretty excited because I'm a crafter at heart and Halloween gives me an opportunity to make and bake things. The theme for the decorations this year is Harry Potter so I have house banners made, Sirius Black posters and soon my own version of the Quibbler to give out. On the food side I've made chocolate frogs and peppermint toads and friends are bringing pumpkin pasties. It's pretty exciting, I can't wait to put out my Christmas Hogwart's Express Train super early! Plus I'm making pumpkins somewhat successfully out of felt. If they come out okay I will post a picture.

But on to the Zebricorn to my right. I'm really into illustration right now. The zebricorn is the latest in my fun drawings using water color pencils. I would jump at the chance to illustrate a children's book at this point. I have this lovely degree in art gathering dust on my wall and I'm fighting the urge to give up and rust so help me out with a project.

Or if you're publishing a book...I might be persuaded to design your cover. If you like a cartoony style. Ha! Please pay me to draw....except babies. I am no good at them. But maybe if you want a dog with bat wings... I can do that. He's not normally that sad. He just wanted to come to my Halloween Party and my landlord said no pets.

Well, make sure you get out there and do a hayride and hit a couple of haunted houses this week. It will be November before we know it. Ah November! That's when we eat too much and we write too much -well the nanorimo-ers do!-and we finally realize we haven't even begun our Christmas shopping. So relax your way through October with a ghost story or two because November's when it gets really scary!

Pet Peeves 2 & Goings On

2007-09-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

Yikes, I hope you can read the tiny print on my new Pet Peeves Cartoon. Looks like Socrates is out and about shaking up the farm. I like to shake things up too.

Anyway, speaking of moving and shaking: I am done my second draft of 'The Rules' which started out as a crazy nanowrimo novel. If you don't do nano, you have no idea what kind of madness you are missing. Check it out here: nanowrimo.org. Right, my novel... I printed a reading copy for myself but I can't get myself to give it the once over yet. A friend of mine is supposed to read it for me and let me know if it is really bad. I'll keep you posted on it. Eventually the novel should be called, 'My Big Fat Friend.' I just don't know if I have the nerve to call it that. I'm afraid no one will get the joke and think I'm insulting their weight. Ha!

If you know any publishers willing to take a book just shy of 60k let me know. Otherwise there is going to be a hell of a lot of weird sentences in my story. I'll remove every single contraction! I'll do it, I swear! Then my novel will sound like it was written by Mr. Data. Lame... lol. Seriously though, I am looking for a chick lit publisher. Or if you, Chick Lit Publisher Person are looking for a great novel about two chicks getting drunk at the beach and dishing on boys, do not hesitate to call me.

Annoyances

2007-08-08T19:41:00.000-05:00

Hi all, thanks for dropping by my blog. Tonight is a Very Special Blog. I'm going to post an old cartoon. Yes I know! Special right? Well all right, I don't think I posted it anywhere before so it's new to you. I have a few of them...3 actually, but who's counting?

See that guy up there? He used to drive me nuts at work. I almost got into a fist fight with him one time. As an Aries I am notoriously hot tempered and this guy pushed every button I have. Everything was his...he used to hide stuff... Tonight I was in a bad mood and I was going through my images and found him. It's funny how things that used to bother you like there was no tomorrow disappear as life goes on. Now I wonder how this guy's doing, and if he's killed anyone yet...but he doesn't drive me nuts anymore. That's good, that means whatever is bothering me tonight has a chance of vanishing just as completely from my mind tomorrow.

Pet Peeves

2007-07-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

Nightmares and Annoyances

2007-02-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Last night after my boyfriend hit the hay I was still wired. A friend of mine dropped by and we got to jawing until 1:30 AM. I was a fun discussion with some delicious rum but by the time I went to sleep round 2 AM I was pretty done in. Since I work through the weekends-it's my punishment karmically for liking too many cheesy TV shows from the 80s I think-I had to get up at 8 AM the next day. Hello tired stress! I was primed for nightmares.

I dreamed that my boyfriend and I were going to be intimate and as we were getting closer he whispers, "And try not to touch me this time. You're disgusting." And I'll leave out the part where he describes all my failings. As if that weren't terrible enough, he then goes to sleep and I am at a party where my friends are drinking all my liquor and I keep breaking family heirlooms. Another friend shows up with her husband and their new dog...the dog I had wanted apparently. (I want a dog currently but the LL says ah...no. ) Depressed in my dream I note it's 2 AM and I need to go to work tomorrow. It gets worse when I try to hide my vodka and my house keeper grabs me by the fat in my legs and tells everyone I'm a selfish little piggy. And then this other guy brutally attacks me. I punch him in the groin but he doesn't let me go and hoists me by my lady parts. I wake up literally distressed.

And now at work I'm still feeling the weirdness from that. Also having an issue with a fellow employee who believes it is his job to make sure I am working. Sometimes you should stay in bed, right?

Okay let's take it to the positive:
I am trying to bring my mood up by reading 'The Everything Guide to Writing a Novel' by Joyce and Jim Levene. We have a lot of in the meantime, the in-between time here at work and it's better than keeping an eye on the sad Anna Nicole tragedy...can't get enough of that one...can you say morbid obsession?

Also on the upside, I am going to force myself to write a couple hundred words in my novel every time I finish a chapter in the book. At least until I finish a chapter in my novel. It's better to be in another world than mine at the moment because my mind's eye stills sees the glass breaking on the ground and me trying to clean it up by placing the pieces in my mouth. Yipes.

Oh BTW the guy who was telling me how to do my job is now mumbling to himself. He was told not to tell me how to do my job and is now creepily muttering and mumbling. If I die today, tell MacGyver I loved him.

(artwork drawn in paint for lack of a more sophisticated art program at work. copyright Karen Kalbacher 2007.)

Art Gone Odd

2007-02-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

My little sketchbook has gone a bit...odd. First there were bunnies in a meteor-moon bunnies and now there is this kid dressed as a squirrel. Not to sure what's happening with my style but I like it. I enjoy the oddness of it. I feel like I'm developing something interesting and fun. My current medium is so mixed. It goes from pencil to pen to Flash for a colors and even though I love him, reactions to the Squirrel Kid are even more mixed then my media. Ha!

Now if only I could come up with a name or a funny caption to go underneath him. Eh, if you think of anything let me know. In other news I was rejected for a job because I am an artist. The guy didn't think I would benefit from his office job. Maybe he was scared that images like my Squirrel Kid would be decorating the walls of his office. Imagine the nightmares! I'm frightened for him. He may have made the right decision.

Doctor Who Nostalgia

2007-01-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

Remakes usually suck. They're gutted remnants of everything good and decent that you loved about the original show, usually. But I have to say after two seasons of the new version of Doctor Who that it is completely brilliant. The writing has the same campy feel with improved special effects and the same wonderful richness of characters.

Tonight I rewatched a few episodes, including 'School Reunion' and the nostalgia just got to me. I am a Whovian-that's what we call ourselves, Doctor Who fans-through and through and seeing one of my favorite girls standing there strong and beautiful before the ever regenerating Doctor moves me to tears. The first time I saw it I had bootlegged it off a sharing site and crammed it onto a cd which I then smuggled into work and watched on the sly. It was tiny but clear and it made me cry so hard I had to sneak out to the bathroom to compose myself. This time I watched it off the DVD set in the comfort of my boyfriend's living room on a giant TV and again I wept. Truth is: I love Srah Jane Smith and I want to be her. She's the girl who the Doctor liked best-until Rose although Ace and Perri were well loved too-and she got to be more than the screamer, she got to be the Doctor's equal. And even though they made a slight mistake in saying the Doctor never went back for her...we all know he immediately attempted to go back for her. In Leela's first ep the Doctor walks out of his TARDIS and declares, "This isn't Hyde Park." (Psst...that's where SJS lives.) They did an amazing job of showing you what happens to the girl after the adventure. Kind of sad to see wonderland and then be forced to pretend to be normal again. I bet it's like going on the best vacation of your life and then coming home to find out you still have to go to work on Monday. Horrible!

But anyway, the nostalgia: Jen and I used to play a game where we named all the companions back to front. My brother and I pretended our child size table was the Tardis and went back in time to hit dinosaurs with yellow whiffle ball bats and my best friend and I went to our friend Carl's on Saturday nights to watch the Key to Time. Oh and all the endless fuzzy vhs copies we traded because there was no cable except for HBO and all we watched on that was Fraggle Rock. Man, I pretended to be Sarah, Peri, Ace...I traveled with Jamie and Jo. My imagination knew no limits for that show. Sometimes I time travled with the Doctor and MacGyver! Ridiculous but fun. I think they would've got on on famously. It was fun. It was somehow golden and better and not as boring as High School or Grade School or real life.

I miss the intensity of my imagination. I miss Sarah Jane Smith. I really love and hate the show for doing that to be me. I love how it still has the same soul and the same intellegence and compassion and Good vs Evil. I hate it because no matter how much I beg and plead it will never be reality. Not in my life time. But just in case he is real and he is out there...I'm ready to go. C'mon Doctor, take me with you. Oh and if you could stop by and pick up Sam too...I promised her if you were real, I'd call her.

Back to Animation?

2007-01-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Today at work I was informed via email that my jigsaw puzzle is offensive to office life. So now I need something else to do during the copious amounts of downtime we have inbetween calls. Is animation the answer?

I went to the Art Institute of Philadelphia at the end of the 90's and graduated with an Associates in Animation Degree. I haven't really been animating all that much since...oh, Graduation Day. Ha, that's not true, but there haven't been any major animation projects. I think I could add Flash to this computer without a whole lot of fuss. In the trunk of my car is a huge bog full of paper animation. I pulled a half done walk cycle and brought it back in to my desk. Mind you, I could be working on my novel, but I find that the boring Saturdays and Sundays atmospheres here much more conduscive to writing then the busy Fridays and Mondays. Besides last night I outlined the last seven chapters and am ready to go!

Anyway, a few new walk cycles, a cute short 5 minute cartoon might do wonders for me getting a job...in art...where people like jigsaw puzzles. Plus Flash is easier to hide then the bottle of vodka I was thinking about bringing to work to get through the downtime.

Moon Bunnies

2007-01-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

This little image is the start of my new portfolio. I am currently working at a help desk rebooting people's computers and keeping them happy and up and running on the internet. I get to talk to a lot of really interesting people from all over and since there is a lot of lagtime between when you reboot and when it comes back up I have more time to draw. This is the result of that lag time. Not bad, eh? So keep an eye on this blog-I know I always say that and then forget to write in here for a year or so. But this time...I will most likely do the same thing!

Return to Artist for Hire

2006-06-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

Hi kids, it's me Karen. And I am a quit-a-job aholic. Not really but it looks that way since I just quit my job. It's a rough world out there for artists. We are emotional, tempermantal and almost impossible to replace. Let's face it I work hard, I work long and I love to work. I just have a monotony issue.

I've never been good with the details if they're boring. I love huge projects. I love working on problem solving and multi-tasking. My issues start when I have one task over and over again for months and months and months. That was the issue at my last job. That and of course the inherent artist personality vs corporate personality issue. Ha!

This means I am ready to work for you!--Again! Aren't you excited? I've already updated the art section of www.ozmia.com and now I am working on several projects. PetSketch is about to get revived...bigger and better then ever! But also I now make tees over at www.kristinasays.com. Check it out. There is no farming out. We buy the Tees and we silk screen them ourselves the hard way in the family home. It's a fun process where an image I design based on ideas from me and my partner Dmitri, is burned into a screen coated in emmulsion and then...bum bum bum... a thin layer of ink is poored into a screen and scraped across the design... we lift the screen and there is the crisp shine-y shirt. Heat Set it's permanant and elegant without the chunky feel of something ironed on and won't pull. It just looks great. And it's all hand done...except the shirts. I would make the shirts but if I were doing it I'd have to go all the way and grow cotton in my backyard.

Things I am interested in learning now:

How to become the person who does book cover art
How to become a layout artist for a magazine or paper
How to follow through on my millions of projects
How to find a job that is both interesting and pays well -- that's the biggee

Things I am working on now:

Relearning Flash Animation --it's been awhile
Finishing 1 of my Novels
Rewriting another of my novels
Painting
Silk Screening -- fun and profitable (email me for prices.)
Crafts...maybe a craftshow in my future.

Look for more fun and games from me ... hire me if you need me. Best of luck to all of you in the big bad world.

The Forgotten Blog...

2006-01-12T16:56:00.000-05:00

Hey with Nano and Personal issues and my MySpace blig I have been neglecting this blog terribly. So why not update you all on my progress?

I made 50 Grand again in the 2005 Nano. It was pretty difficult this year I had to push through the pain. My fingers are getting used to the punishment because this year the webbing between my fingers didn't swell like it did last year. lol. I've also begun revision on last years nano winner. I think it's got a lot of potential.

GH has gotten a lot better. Less Sonny and more of the hospital. Robin came back. Rick Springfield is reprising his role as Noah Drake and Alexis is finally being funny again. Now if they would only destroy the entire Corinthos clan it might reach 5.o rating shares again. Oops, apparently the bitterness towards Sonny continues. Poor Maurice. He never gets a vacation. I bet his family have forgotton what he looks like.

PetSketch has been getting a few customers here and there. It's getting an overhaul this weekend. Nothing big, I'm just adding a few of the newly done sketches and making sure all the links are working. My Home site: KarenKalbacher.com is also going to get some new additions to it.

I'm also working on a blog related to my new job: http://thefurniture.blogspot.com/
It's all about furniture. Check it out if it interests you.

An interview with rock singer LP is coming out in Orivigation Magazine in February. That was a great time. She was very cool about doing it over the phone since she was on tour in California and I live in Pennsylvania. I was even offered a beer when she comes back to town. I'm looking forward to working with Anthony from Orivigation again in the future. If I'm smart enough to remember to send him an email.

Life is pretty okay! So hopefully a few of you still have me bookmarked and I can post more interesting and optomistic pieces in the future. If you have an idea for a topic you'd like me to discuss, feel free to post it here in a comment or email me: karen@ozmia.com

Enjoy the new year. It's already better then last year.

Tonight's the Night for Insomnia

2005-05-31T01:39:00.000-05:00

Chris is already asleep. His prospects are good. Second interview, new job maybe? I hope so. I like when he's happy and employed. Me on the other hand, I have got to get organized. Make some money. Make a life. Get this writing thing on track.

I did an interview with a local band ...in theory(intheoryrocks.com - I did the website too). I have yet to transcribe it. My writing has gone from 500 words a night to nothing. It's funny. I just got a story accepted for the summer issue of Flashquake (check it out, I'm under Editor's Pick) and I haven't written a single word since.

Is fear of success possible at this point?

Am I afraid that if I continue to write I might be able to rake in $30 bucks a month in published stories? Maybe. Eh, I make about three cents an hour doing web sites for friends. That'll get the bills paid. I think my whole problem is I'm letting everything get away from me. I need to organize my time, my writing and my friends to make it all worthwhile. Maybe even profitable.

Excitement over having my art on the wall in August (Taming of the Brew in Bala Cynwyd) is growing. Only I haven't been able to finish a painting I started last week. I'm just dragging all over. How do people control their self destructive tendencies (frazzled-ish-ness)?

I like lists. I like writing everything down and crossing them off one by one. Even now as I type these basically random thoughts down, I am thinking of the line I can draw through: Update Blog. Isn't that weird?

Maybe I need a bigger list. Maybe I need one that has a list of everything I ever want to do on it. Would that push me? Would I work until three in the morning to cross off: Learn Life's Goal? Or maybe: Master Jedi mind tricks... I *really* want that one. Huh.

I'll give it a shot.

Might even post it here and cross things off as I go along. I've got a few of them done already. I've been published. I've found love... (true love for MacGyver and normal love for Chris) I'm having my art put on a wall.

So my prospects can't be all bad. Just wish I had sleepy-time pills like he does because I am wide awake every night until two.

General Hospital: The War Against Sonny

2005-05-06T18:59:00.000-05:00

I am not a fan of Sonny Corinthos. If you've ever watched General Hospital you know who I'm talking about. That suave mobster with the supposed "heart of gold" and the man who is so good to everyone who is loyal to him... In fact I hate him. Badly scripted, badly acted, Sonny is an evil little pig who not only can't keep it in his pants, but has super sperm that makes everyone he touches become pregnant.

Years ago GH was about families and the crazy, crazy Quartermaines all running around having affairs, doing bad things, doing good things, getting caught and paying for them. But that all stopped. Now everyday, all day it's the Sonny Show. Sonny does good things (yeah right.) Sonny does bad things. Sonny does all things. Anyone who knows Sonny is on a lot. Anyone who doesn't... yeah well they're on reoccuring.

I wouldn't mind if Sonny had the character of Luke Spencer. If he were crazy, funny, flawed, intelligent and adventurous, it would be okay. But Sonny is dark, cold, mean, selfish, a slut, abusive, evil, flat, dull and lifeless. Every day I have to watch him tell another woman to shut up. Everyday I watch him take peoples' kids, justify himself, blather on about loyalty he doesn't believe in and basically suck the life out of anyone who gets near him.

Characters Ruined by Sonny:
Brenda Barrett
Jasper Jacks (Jax)
Carly Corinthos
Jason Quartermaine Morgan
Emily Quartermaine
Courtney Mathews
Michael Corben
Sam McCaull
Alexis Davis
Ric Lancing
Mac Scorpio
John (Carly's dad)
Steven Webber
Alcazar
Reese (although she sucked all on her own.)
Monica Quartermaine

Storylines Ruined by Sonny:
All of them since 1990.

I'm thinking of starting a petition for the removal of Sonny Corinthos from the show on the grounds that he is degrading to women, morals, ethics and good story writing. He's a man who buys judges, hangs people on meathooks, shakes women, calls women worthless sluts, has sex without protection in this day and age, thinks he's a good person because he doesn't condone drugs (but is drinking brandy in 9 out of 10 of his scenes), tells Jason to kill his own family members (Justus & AJ for a start...), blackmails people (but would kill you if you did it to him) and basically steals all the airtime from more talented, less overused charachters.

Have him shot 5 times in the chest (again) during a music montage (again) and than do something completely unexpected (like have him die.) That's good writing.

And don't even get me started on Jason.... Believe me if I had a character killing gun, Jason would be the 2nd character landing in the unmarked grave. Sonny... well yeah he's got a giant bullseye on his greasy head.

Artist for Hire

2005-04-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Working my way through the week is becoming an exercise in creative boredom. Painting, drawing, making necklaces, jewelry...clothing, it's all a way to get around the fact that I can't get enough paid work to afford my apartment. Thank God for compensation! When it runs out I'm going to have to hock a kidney-so start bidding now.

The web is supposed to be the BE ALL & END ALL for the job searching market but it's more like the great big garbage pail of impossible sorting. So hey I am a great artist, I love to work flexible hours and I love a challange. I'm affordable so call me. Wait a few weeks and I may work for food.

Curently I'm trying to redesign all my sites to generate this mystical thing called, "traffic." The right keywords, the right description blah blah blah. It's almost as harrowing as recreating your resume to fit every job. I should have paid more attention in school I'm telling ya.

I wonder what I would be doing if there wasn't an internet? Reading more books? Nope I read dozens of them... I would probably be writing and drawing a lot more. Meaning I would have a larger more beautiful portfolio, polished and shiny. Well hey, that might help me get a job. And more drawings might help me get traffic.

Anyway, get to work. Be glad for your job.

K.

Presidio, Bachelorette, the Wedding and the Long Way Home

2005-03-29T21:59:00.001-05:00

This is taking a long time to write it all down. Anyway the Presidio is enormous and beautiful. Just before the main highway it's an oasis of terra cotta stone in a beautiful Greco Roman style. An open air groinal vault reaches up into the sky on Corinthian pillars. Water is every where and so are swans and photo ops. A man playing a flute made the place sounded haunted in pure sweet sunshine and Sam and I loved it. It was like a break from my tendency to GO GO GO! She's brilliant for suggesting it.

An hour or so later we were off to the bachelorette and feeling fine, comfortable and serene. Almost like budhist monks except that I'm evil and Sam's mean. Heather's friends were acceptable, although they made fun of our accents. We made faces at them. But among them was one who is like me: Liz-art student. Instant bond. She had hair that was red streaked blonde and her shirt had a great art ref on it: This is Not a Spoon. Look it up.

We went for pizza. It was nowhere near as good as Lorenzo's on South Street but it was deep dish and salty as all hell. We ate like pizza queens. I felt bad for the waitresses though, because one got a slice with a lil bit too much cheese and got dubbed, 'The Cheese Stealer' for the rest of the time. And then we were off to the bachelorette. Sadly for the stripper we didn't have enough time to get loaded before he started the body shots game. Someone ask me for the pictures. I have no shame. But because of my booty, my ass is always showing. Damn you denim companies!

We drank and played penis pinyata. I'm worried about the groom now. And pin the cucumber on the stripper. lol. Entertaining as hell. Until 5:30 am when the Heather came down the stairs and woke us all up to scream, "WHY IS THERE WINE ALL OVER THE FLOOR?" I would have said, "Why isn't there wine all over the floor coz it's hot in here!" Anyway...

We went to the beach while everyone else got it together for the rehersal dinner. Liz and her boy Damien drove us there. Unlike the Jersey shore, the ocean was light blue and beautiful. We climbed down stairs carved out of the hill side to a dark sanded beach. It was cold but I hit the water. Unfortunately again unlike NJ you can't go out far or the currents will take you to Japan. I didn't want to leave. The sky was beautiful, the waves were coming in and the view was amazing as all hell. A huge melencholy hit me when I left the beack like when I leave all beaches.

We hit a graveyard to look for ghosts and didn't find any. Rehersal dinner was boring. And the night was the best part. I got to stay up half the night with Colin the groom. We're friends from the 'net and it was fun to play games (Sam beat us at everything then went to bed.) and talk to him.

And then it was the Wedding day... Beautiful wedding. Bad music until the 80's came back in style. I signed the guestbook under duress and danced. Sam took pictures and enjoyed the wine. Ha. And then I had to give a toast... Good God. Introduce the bride and groom and then this is what happens. Bad enough they're getting married... :P
My toast as I could remember it: "I'm here on behalf of the internet. Something something...(I was nervous!) and I can't believe my friend Heather from Ca, is marrying my friend Colin from MD and my friend Patrick from Canada are here to see it." Prolly a lil more um, eloquent.

Then we got lost on the way home. We saw the sign for San Jose 30 times and now we know the way but we never ever got there. It took an hour and a half to get to the hotel. We were screaming at one another and shaking and exhausted. We went over the Bay Bridge twice. We asked several people for directions and they laughed at us. So we couldn't do anything but rest and pray for morning.

But hell, we had a good time.

A Makeover World!

2005-03-03T15:43:00.000-05:00

Are you ugly, tired, sick, poor, over worked, unappreciated, do kids make fun of you at school? Do people make fun of you at work? Are you missing teeth or hair or an eye? Is there something unique about your features that people point at and laugh? Well don't cry! Don't worry, or sit at home depressed because you are an individual. Makeovers are here!

Home Delivery, Life & Style, Maury, Jerry Springer, A Makeover Story, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and even shows based on fixing your mental health will dress you for success and make you look just like everybody else. Isn't that what you want? You want the right hair, the right clothes, the right makeup for right now. Everyone does. And everyone can get it from magazines to TV everyone is offering you a makeover.

But do makeovers really fix depression? Do they make your life better? Do they fix relationship problems, make kids at school like you or stop people from pointing and laughing at you? And more importantly, do you want so much emphasis placed on your outer appearance that something like changing your makeup will solve everything?

What happens the next day when you put your work uniform back on and wash the nice glossy paint off your face? Are you that better person the makeover made you look like? I would guess it's the hairstylist effect. You go to the hair dresser's and you get the best cut and style you've ever seen and no matter how much moose or gel or blow drying you do, you can never get that look back again. So now you still have the problems but now you also have this image in your mind of what you could look like if you were someone else. If only I were someone who didn't have kids getting in the way of my fashionable looks and need to buy $80 pants... I would be so happy!

Maybe some people were just misguided. They liked stripes with polka dots. They looked a little weird but they were their own person. Now, they're slick and beautiful in a socially acceptable way. The makeover bleached the originality out of them. Do they ever buy them new clothes with their stripes? Their boldness? Home Delivery seems to think every girl should be dressed in pink and every boy needs to be dressed in blue. A Makeover Story seems to think high heels are the only shoes a woman is allowed to wear. Who gave them the right to decide?

It's shallow. It's letting people perpetuate the belief that everything a person has is in how they dress and what they own. A child with one eye shouldn't have to get a fake eye so the other children will leave her alone. There's nothing wrong with her. There is however something wrong with those other children. They don't understand how hurtful they're being. Why not explain to them that they are being hurtful and give them a chance to know that little girl as a person? Or the women with no hair or skin diseases... they don't need to be changed! We need to change the way we look at them!

If someone is clean and dressed by their own personal standards, they should be encouraged to be themselves. They should not be pressed by friends and families to bow to fashion and be as pretty as everyone else... Everyone likes art, not everyone likes Picasso. It's the same with fashion and what we watch on TV and what activities we do or like, they're all different. So let's exalt the original! Wear neon like you did in the 80's! If you like it, it's you and it's fine.

Be you!

And don't get me started on how they treat people who aren't model thin...

Focus on the inside! And I know we all like to watch makeovers, so that's not going to stop, but maybe we could watch mental makeovers instead. Free your mind from conventional fashion and be as unconventionally beautiful as your personality and intelligence can make you.

http://www.ozmia.com

Writer's Groups

2005-02-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

Popular topic on the web, the "Writer's Group." The right one's harder to find then a husband these days. I've scoured the net and joined a different Writer's Group every 6 mos. I always encounter the same problems. Let's see if you do too because things are always better when experienced in a pseudo-mass hysteria.

1. Strict rule groups: You have to, you have to, you have to...
I don't know about you but the more rules the less writing I do. If I can only send out a part of my novel on the 12th day of the month but have to critique a story every day at 7pm or they kill my guinea pig, I'm not interested. A writer's group is there to support you, not make you a rules slave. Most writer's like to break rules anyway so... this group is not for me.

2. The Dead Zone...
When you first join there's a slew of 'hey how are you's and then nothing. Silence prevails. Send a story, get no response...ever.

3. The Overly Supportive Group
Now this is a great place for the beginning writer who hasn't developed a thick skin yet, but death to the experienced writer. It's the equivilent of having your own yesmen and women. Everything you do is brilliant. The easy way to recognize this group os to send in a bad poem, I mean a *really* bad poem like say:

I am a fish.
I swim.
I look good on a dish.
Mouse.

When the emails come pooring in that you're the next -insert famous poet here- you'll know that this might not be the right group for you.

4. The Overly Critical Group
Ah, the opposite of support! This is the group that critiques your rough draft as if it were your magnum opus. They're usually grammar police...which is great if your punctuation sucks, bad if you're Mark Twain and you're writing dialogue. No one notices the style of your work, just the misplaced comma in paragraph 27. You know the one underneath your sentance fragment they only found because they opened your story up in MSWord. This group is death to a beginning writer and annoying to the expert. If you're constantly getting rejected based on grammar sign up. If not move on to greener pastures...

So how do you find the group for you?

Keep signing up and hanging out. You need a group that's got at least 2 stories a week for you to critique. One that's not too nice to point out your glaring mistakes but compassionate enough to not point their fingers at a mistake and laugh. Eventually you'll find a group close to your genre, close to your style and close to your heart.

And maybe you'll see me there...with my bad poem. Please tell me it sucked.

Please.

On Being Difficult

2005-02-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

People who ask for things get them. They also get a reputation as bitches, assholes or if we're being polite, "they're just a little difficult."

So what's wrong with that? I'm extremely difficult. Difficult to work with. Difficult to be dating and just in general a difficult person to handle. I hate being handled. I like being angry when I'm angry, sad when I'm sad and drunk on a Wednesday night for no reason. I get more difficult with prodding. I react badly to suggestions I settle for things and I will flat out weep with the horror of doing things the way the guy upstairs, downstairs or next to me is doing things. But I know why I'm difficult. I have high standards and they're not dropping any time soon.

Why am I difficult at work: I don't like stupidity, laziness or having to redo work. I like to know exactly what's needed and get it done right the first time. So if I'm told to draw an elephant in pink outfit, then get a call that it's supposed to be two elephants in green dresses, then a third call that it's one elephant in blue... I'm pissed. Shouldn't I be? I just wasted a whole lot of time. Unfortunately I'm not good at hiding it and I'm starting to think no one should.

If we have high standards, not impossibly high standards but good, honest ones, why lower them? Why drop them and drop them until there's nothing left? Does it make you happy to lower them? No. It makes you sad, beaten down and depressed. Sure we have to hold out longer for our standards and suffer a bit for them in the short term, but look what we gain! Bosses who have to be on the ball, work that gets done right the first time because the directions were clear and right.

Even in our lives, if you want a man who loves you, don't settle for one who just thinks you're kinda nice. Don't say, 'this is only temporary.' Go get what you want now. Live without extra things like cable so you can afford more trips if you're a fan of traveling. Tap water's cheaper and that extra money can add up if you're doing a job you love that doesn't pay great.

Be who you are. Be difficult. Get what you want. I maybe difficult, but I'm worth it. So are you.

Put an End to Hope

2005-02-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

Why can't I understand that the way to get sex from a man is not to dress provocatively and give teasing kisses? If he's tired from work and intent on fixing his computer, he ain't goint to notice my subtle fragrences and extra eye make-up (to mask the dark circles under my dark eyes.) I need to strip to my panties and pretty bra. I need to stand in the center of the room. I need to say, "Me want sex now."

At least I wouldn't get my expectations up and lay all the guilt at his feet when he doesn't get the hints. I feel like we as women are so into scenarios and analyzing the situation from our hair, to the cock of our head to the cellulite on our asses to that weird hair that grows out of our chins that we forget we're the only one noticing that stuff. I cause my own depression.

This is my typical stance on the world of Hope. I think Hope is a cruel thing. I know everyone else in the world is a big supporter of Hope. But let's add to the above example. I want to go somewhere with my boyfriend. I plan out all day what I want to do and I hope he wants to go. I hope and I hope and I hope but I never ask him until he calls around 7pm. Guess what? He doesn't want to go and now I'm crushed. I'm angry with him. He's ruined all my hopes for fun tonight. Didn't he? No, he didn't do anything wrong. Sure it would have been nice if he had said yes but I gave him two minutes to decide. He probably needed time to psyche himself up for going out. I didn't give it to him. I just planned and hoped and got crushed. Now I'm hurt and angry and he's confused.

This happens a lot.

I hope he likes things. He doesn't. I resent him for it. But that's more about me then hope so let's leave the man that loves me dearly alone and go on to another example. Something that's clearer, more refined...

And you don't have to agree with me. But I might have lyme disease. (See how this is all about me? Maybe next column we talk about my self absorbtion.) Anyway, no ise worrying right? Hope for the best right? I don't know. I was possitive I didn't have it. My tests came back "questionably possitive" and I have no idea what that means. Hope was crushed that this was just some viral thing. I was so depressed. Now when I talked it over with my boyfriend, I actually felt better when I took the stance of, 'I have it and I'm going to deal with it.' He looks worried all the time and he took the stance of, 'I hope she doesn't have it.'

Is hope another word for "worry"? Worry with a happy spin?

Does this make any sense to anyone at all? When I accept the worst I feel relaxed. I go into a kind of zen 'if it is this way, I will deal.' I let go of hope and worry and I just be. Maybe they're two halves of the same outdated coin. Maybe we shouldn't have hope or worry. Just a zen like state of minute to minute.

I'm going to buy my boyfriend a CD. He desserves it for putting up with me and all my mental qualities. Oh, and nope, I'm not going to hope he likes it.

Loves to Whip.

2005-02-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

When someone wrote "Loves to Bitch" on a heart at my factory job, I knew it was time to leave. Now unemployed except for a few freelance gigs here and there, I am the poorest I have ever been in my life. I have never felt as happy as I am and as criminally depressed as I am now. Life is like that, I guess.

My apartment is my prison, my home and my escape. I paint, I draw, I write. I sit in front of the computer too long and now maybe I'm starting this column/blog to let other people know how I feel. Also I'd love to hear how other people feel about life in general and their jobs.

I'm disturbed by the firing of employees who were smoking on their own time. I'm proud of the ones that refused to be tested. I'm scared that privacy is a concept that no longer exists. A thousand years before computers you could just pick up, leave town and become someone else. Now there is no escape from who you are and where you've been. God help us sinners 'coz everyone knows our sins.

How did we let our employers go as far as they're going? When did we all sit down and give up our rights? When did we say, "I'm okay with everyone knowing everything about me, even my kinkier thoughts." I don't remember saying it. I don't want anyone knowing how much liquor I drink or whether or not I smoke. I want to order lingerie off the internet in anonimity and whips and chains... maybe cellulite cream for my ass... What I don't want is to be hit the next day with offers for vibrators and diets. It's a little more than annoying and almost certainly embarrassing.

And then I go to work on Monday and there's a heart at work saying, "Loves to Whip."

Good thing I'm still unemployed.

Oh and if my future employer wants to know whether or not I smoke, I'll firmly tell her, 'That has no bearing on my work performance.' and nothing more.